Is it worth it?

So I might have sugar-coated my relationship with my new horse Phaolan in my previous blogs.

Words like “dramatic” and “easily offended” actually mean “dangerous” and “unpredictable.” Meika has taken to calling me “Saint Kelleyerin” because I am so committed to making my new horse less of a Shit-Show. But while I don’t mind being a Saint, I sure don’t want to be a martyr. 

Phaolan has kicked and struck me three times so far and all occasions seemed very premeditated. He is all too eager to fight and if I take the bait I will either: 1) die or 2) ruin him trying to win. He has proven he is faster and stronger than me. Now I need to prove to him that that doesn’t matter. I have to make him want to work with me. So how do I do that? I admit I am out of my comfort zone with this horse and I have had to ask myself:

“Is it worth it?”

So far the answer is yes. 

It isn’t just because I think he is cute and has talent. It is because I like who he is making me be as a horse person. He makes me have more self-awareness and control than any horse I have ever been around. My mare forgives me. She tolerates me and she tries because she is a trier. Phaolan will never just try for me.  I have to earn everything. He has revealed to me that I have a temper. I may not explode and yell or hit, but I seethe inside and he can see it. I get rigid and think evil thoughts. Meika calls it my poker face but I can’t mask my emotions from Phaolan. Around him I have to legitimately not feel mad or he uses it against me. I have to make sure I am out of range then laugh when he snakes his head and kicks out at me. He is making me be creative and clear, and patient and fun and forgiving - and none of that is bad. I should be thanking him. When we emerge from this long dark tunnel we are traveling through, I believe I will be a better person and a much better horse person. 

Had I bought Phaolan to train and resell, he would have been a terrible investment. Had I wanted a trustworthy horse for kids to ride, I would have wasted my money. But I wanted a partner that I could grow with for the next twenty years. I think he is just that partner. 

Will he always challenge me? Probably. But the battles will become skirmishes, then disputes, then discussions. Each day we will decide who is alpha for that afternoon. And as I learn more about myself I will become the leader that he may not want but desperately needs. 

So, at least for now, I wouldn’t trade him for any horse in the barn.