Why can't I be Smart?

I thought that the only reason I wasn't an Amazing rider was lack of time and commitment. And all I had to do to become Amazing was quit my job, clean out my savings and ride horses all day long. While this has improved my riding, I should have had a realistic definition of what "Amazing" was prior to starting out on this journey. Is Amazing riding at Training Level this season? Is it jumping ditches without landing in them? Is Amazing winning ribbons? What is Amazing, really?

At some point in my life I had been taught that goals should be SMART.

But I seemed to have forgotten that when I loaded my horses into the trailer to come to Polestar. After two months here, I wasn't feeling any closer to being Amazing than when I started. Two months may not seem like a lot of time to be expecting dramatic results, but when you are living on credit cards and borrowed time it's hard to be patient. Meika was even regretting not establishing a penalty for falling off because by now I would owe her at least a dozen bottles of wine or a thousand push-ups. I was beginning to think I should switch from eventing to vaulting as I seem to spend more time catapulting off horses than riding them.

Making my young horse Amazing is also taking longer than I thought (see Is it worth it?). Having a green horse with a "dramatic" personality has been humbling. I have had to revise and lower my expectations. Instead of trying to achieve a certain level by a certain date, I am working to improve my relationship with my horse. I am trying to understand his thresholds so that I can finesse him towards them without pushing him over. It seems Amazing for Phaolan at this point is finishing a session without a full blown violent temper tantrum.  But trotting over poles and working on ground manners doesn't feel like the education I was hoping to receive as a working student.

So instead of reveling in frustration, I decided to look back at pictures of me jumping two years ago to remind me that I AM learning and improving and getting to closer to someday... maybe... being Amazing.

Not Amazing!
bless her heart, that mare learned to jump despite me...

Once I could see see that I was making progress I was ready to admit that becoming Amazing wasn't a smart goal.  Neither is aspiring to compete at Training level this season when my "trained" horse is currently lame and my young horse is feral. So here is my list of specific, measurable, action-oriented, relevant goals I hope to accomplish while I am at Polestar:

Achieve a stronger lower leg by trotting in two point for 10 minutes 4x/week
Make sure Phena's rehab goes smoothly so that she is jumping again by November
Audit or attend at least one dressage lesson per week
Zero tolerance for sloppy transitions by focusing on maintaining energy into the bridle.
Improve Phaolan's tolerance of pressure.
Notice the small improvements by watching video of myself riding
Gain confidence with ditches (my Achilles heel) by riding a schooled horse over BN ditches.

So if I follow my own smart goals, then one day I can say:

 I got

and

Is it worth it?

So I might have sugar-coated my relationship with my new horse Phaolan in my previous blogs.

Words like “dramatic” and “easily offended” actually mean “dangerous” and “unpredictable.” Meika has taken to calling me “Saint Kelleyerin” because I am so committed to making my new horse less of a Shit-Show. But while I don’t mind being a Saint, I sure don’t want to be a martyr. 

Phaolan has kicked and struck me three times so far and all occasions seemed very premeditated. He is all too eager to fight and if I take the bait I will either: 1) die or 2) ruin him trying to win. He has proven he is faster and stronger than me. Now I need to prove to him that that doesn’t matter. I have to make him want to work with me. So how do I do that? I admit I am out of my comfort zone with this horse and I have had to ask myself:

“Is it worth it?”

So far the answer is yes. 

It isn’t just because I think he is cute and has talent. It is because I like who he is making me be as a horse person. He makes me have more self-awareness and control than any horse I have ever been around. My mare forgives me. She tolerates me and she tries because she is a trier. Phaolan will never just try for me.  I have to earn everything. He has revealed to me that I have a temper. I may not explode and yell or hit, but I seethe inside and he can see it. I get rigid and think evil thoughts. Meika calls it my poker face but I can’t mask my emotions from Phaolan. Around him I have to legitimately not feel mad or he uses it against me. I have to make sure I am out of range then laugh when he snakes his head and kicks out at me. He is making me be creative and clear, and patient and fun and forgiving - and none of that is bad. I should be thanking him. When we emerge from this long dark tunnel we are traveling through, I believe I will be a better person and a much better horse person. 

Had I bought Phaolan to train and resell, he would have been a terrible investment. Had I wanted a trustworthy horse for kids to ride, I would have wasted my money. But I wanted a partner that I could grow with for the next twenty years. I think he is just that partner. 

Will he always challenge me? Probably. But the battles will become skirmishes, then disputes, then discussions. Each day we will decide who is alpha for that afternoon. And as I learn more about myself I will become the leader that he may not want but desperately needs. 

So, at least for now, I wouldn’t trade him for any horse in the barn.