Shame on me...

The first day I brought Phaolan home there were foreshadows stretching from every solid object. Had I opened my eyes more that day, I might have saved myself a lot of money, pain and heartbreak down the road. 

On that first day after turning Phaolan loose in the round pen I witnessed his defiant self-righteousness. When his nose bumped the hot wire stretched across the top board he did not startle, snort and spook like the mares on the other side. Instead he threw his head and hooves to the sky and obliterated the fence with violent, enraged strikes. He then calmly backed away from the ruins, turned and walked towards me. His motives were perfectly clear. He had been assaulted for no reason he could conceive and the fence paid a dear price for its insolence. Pity me for making a similar mistake.

And mistakes I made. Mistakes that left me injured, humbled and scared of this horse. For months I clung to the belief that inside this little brat, there was a willing partner. With determination and patience I would tame the beast. And if I wasn’t skilled enough, I would find a trainer who could. I would give Phaolan as many opportunities as it took to develop into the horse I knew he could be. 

When I left Polestar I took Phaolan to a well respected gentle cowboy I had known for years. In his hands, my evil genius would have a fresh start at a slow pace. After a week of equine expletives, Phaolan seemed to resign to the fact that he was a domesticated animal and should act accordingly. And in the next few weeks before he exploded and hospitalized that trainer, he had seemed to be making progress. And it was this progress that made me still have faith in him. So despite the fact that he had severely injured yet another person, I gave him another chance. 

I turned him out to pasture for the winter in the hopes that he would mature mentally.  I found another willing talented trainer in Hawaii to help me with him despite full disclosure of his previous behavior. I planned to continue spending good money after bad flying him to Hawaii for yet another chance. 

But absence did not make the heart grow fonder. When I returned to Portland after five months of not seeing my little horse, I was shocked and then terrified of him. The horse  with potential I bought one year ago was nowhere to be found. In his place was a monster. I don’t know if he truly got that much worse while turned out to pasture or if I was finally able to see what had been so apparent to others. But he was not a horse that could safely be flown to Hawaii, or a horse that could be ethically re-homed. 

This horse drove me to do something I, as a veterinarian, had done before for clients, but never thought I would do for myself. I put him down. Not because he disappointed me. Not because I was hemorrhaging money bribing people to help me with him. Not because four professional trainers all had told me to euthanize him. Not because he had been evicted from four barns, but because he scared me and was polluting my love for horses. 

Sure I had other options. I had a naive, innocent young rider willing to take on the challenge. I am sure she thought, like I had mistakenly thought, that no one had tried hard enough and that Phaolan was just misunderstood. I could have had her sign  away liability, take some money from her and make myself feel better that I gave him another chance. But the truth is, he didn’t deserve another chance. There are so many wonderful Thoroughbreds out there that deserve the kind of forever loving home that I was trying to provide Phaolan. Horses that have run their hearts out and ruptured ligaments along the way trying to please. These horses deserve homes and second chances. Not Phaolan. 

I was wrong about what Phaolan would become and for days I have been crying and beating myself up. At first I was concerned that my “gut instinct” was no longer reliable and I would never be able to pick out another diamond in the rough. But then I remembered what my gut instinct had told me about this horse. My first impression of Phaolan was “Yuck, why did I drive all the way out here?” He was ugly, mean, untouchable behind the shoulder with upright stifles that most surely would lock up on him. He had a bad reputation already and he was only three. But I ignored my gut. I told myself “But he is your favorite horse’s brother. What if he turns out like her?” So I bought him. 

Well, shame on me. 

Why can't I be Smart?

I thought that the only reason I wasn't an Amazing rider was lack of time and commitment. And all I had to do to become Amazing was quit my job, clean out my savings and ride horses all day long. While this has improved my riding, I should have had a realistic definition of what "Amazing" was prior to starting out on this journey. Is Amazing riding at Training Level this season? Is it jumping ditches without landing in them? Is Amazing winning ribbons? What is Amazing, really?

At some point in my life I had been taught that goals should be SMART.

But I seemed to have forgotten that when I loaded my horses into the trailer to come to Polestar. After two months here, I wasn't feeling any closer to being Amazing than when I started. Two months may not seem like a lot of time to be expecting dramatic results, but when you are living on credit cards and borrowed time it's hard to be patient. Meika was even regretting not establishing a penalty for falling off because by now I would owe her at least a dozen bottles of wine or a thousand push-ups. I was beginning to think I should switch from eventing to vaulting as I seem to spend more time catapulting off horses than riding them.

Making my young horse Amazing is also taking longer than I thought (see Is it worth it?). Having a green horse with a "dramatic" personality has been humbling. I have had to revise and lower my expectations. Instead of trying to achieve a certain level by a certain date, I am working to improve my relationship with my horse. I am trying to understand his thresholds so that I can finesse him towards them without pushing him over. It seems Amazing for Phaolan at this point is finishing a session without a full blown violent temper tantrum.  But trotting over poles and working on ground manners doesn't feel like the education I was hoping to receive as a working student.

So instead of reveling in frustration, I decided to look back at pictures of me jumping two years ago to remind me that I AM learning and improving and getting to closer to someday... maybe... being Amazing.

Not Amazing!
bless her heart, that mare learned to jump despite me...

Once I could see see that I was making progress I was ready to admit that becoming Amazing wasn't a smart goal.  Neither is aspiring to compete at Training level this season when my "trained" horse is currently lame and my young horse is feral. So here is my list of specific, measurable, action-oriented, relevant goals I hope to accomplish while I am at Polestar:

Achieve a stronger lower leg by trotting in two point for 10 minutes 4x/week
Make sure Phena's rehab goes smoothly so that she is jumping again by November
Audit or attend at least one dressage lesson per week
Zero tolerance for sloppy transitions by focusing on maintaining energy into the bridle.
Improve Phaolan's tolerance of pressure.
Notice the small improvements by watching video of myself riding
Gain confidence with ditches (my Achilles heel) by riding a schooled horse over BN ditches.

So if I follow my own smart goals, then one day I can say:

 I got

and

Is it worth it?

So I might have sugar-coated my relationship with my new horse Phaolan in my previous blogs.

Words like “dramatic” and “easily offended” actually mean “dangerous” and “unpredictable.” Meika has taken to calling me “Saint Kelleyerin” because I am so committed to making my new horse less of a Shit-Show. But while I don’t mind being a Saint, I sure don’t want to be a martyr. 

Phaolan has kicked and struck me three times so far and all occasions seemed very premeditated. He is all too eager to fight and if I take the bait I will either: 1) die or 2) ruin him trying to win. He has proven he is faster and stronger than me. Now I need to prove to him that that doesn’t matter. I have to make him want to work with me. So how do I do that? I admit I am out of my comfort zone with this horse and I have had to ask myself:

“Is it worth it?”

So far the answer is yes. 

It isn’t just because I think he is cute and has talent. It is because I like who he is making me be as a horse person. He makes me have more self-awareness and control than any horse I have ever been around. My mare forgives me. She tolerates me and she tries because she is a trier. Phaolan will never just try for me.  I have to earn everything. He has revealed to me that I have a temper. I may not explode and yell or hit, but I seethe inside and he can see it. I get rigid and think evil thoughts. Meika calls it my poker face but I can’t mask my emotions from Phaolan. Around him I have to legitimately not feel mad or he uses it against me. I have to make sure I am out of range then laugh when he snakes his head and kicks out at me. He is making me be creative and clear, and patient and fun and forgiving - and none of that is bad. I should be thanking him. When we emerge from this long dark tunnel we are traveling through, I believe I will be a better person and a much better horse person. 

Had I bought Phaolan to train and resell, he would have been a terrible investment. Had I wanted a trustworthy horse for kids to ride, I would have wasted my money. But I wanted a partner that I could grow with for the next twenty years. I think he is just that partner. 

Will he always challenge me? Probably. But the battles will become skirmishes, then disputes, then discussions. Each day we will decide who is alpha for that afternoon. And as I learn more about myself I will become the leader that he may not want but desperately needs. 

So, at least for now, I wouldn’t trade him for any horse in the barn. 

The elusive half halt

Meika and I got to talking about what makes an effective half halt and through our discussion I realized I didn't know what the heck a half halt really was. I thought I was doing it at least fifty times each ride but it turns out I had never actually done one. Well, at least not a correct one. 

My previous TB was an anxious fella who ran away from his problems. I knew better than to pull because he would just pull back and pick up more speed. Instead, I was taught to "give and take". I thought that was a half halt. I was using this so-called halt halt as a way to chip away at too much speed. Like tapping the brakes.  But I ended up with a horse that would pick up speed immediately after I took my foot off the brake, was falling on his forehand and was behind the bit. What was wrong? 

braced, perched and pulling

I thought it was all his fault. So I got a new horse.

I now know I was missing the point of the half halt. Back then I didn’t have the proper balance and position to engage my core so I relied too much on my hands. I was pulling him into half a halt instead of compressing him into a half halt.  It took a few years, three more trainers and a couple of horses before I understood that the half halt is so much more than just tapping the brakes. 

This was my half halt!

Meika equated the half halt to a rubber room with two doors opposing each other. 

Different kind of rubber room :)
I could never ride in that!!!

When both doors of the rubber room are open, energy flows through the room. But when the front door is closed and energy continues to push in through the back door, the room expands to contain it. The flow isn't prevented just because one door is closed, it is accommodated and captured to be utilized later. In the case of the horse, the energy from the hind end is captured by the half halt (front door closing and room expanding) and converted into the next movement. The goal is to change the balance of the horse yet maintain the impulsion. You must use your core, your seat and your legs to let the horse know something is coming and prepare him for the transition. 

Meika had me do an exercise to understand the half halt. The goal of the exercise was to make a trot to walk transition take one quarter of a 20 meter circle, no more, no less. This forced me to use a substantial amount of leg during the downward transition to prevent my horse from walking too soon. It felt like instead of tapping the brakes, I was  downshifting and keeping the tachometer up. Eventually my horse was light in the bridle, stepping under himself and transitioning in two steps instead of a quarter of a circle. 

So now, I wish I could apologize to Willie, my previous TB. I never helped him understand what I wanted. I derailed him just like a train. I just hope now I can avoid making the same mistake with any more of my horses. 

Jenn Verharen Clinic

Having never sat in a dressage saddle prior to coming to Polestar, I had a lot of catching up to do. 

But after two months and a variety of setbacks (including an unfortunate Chai tea incident that is too embarrassing to explain) I feel I am finally making progress with my riding.

I had a break though this week during a lesson on Phena with Jenn Verharen. 

After commenting on my non-austere turnout for a dressage lesson, she made two poignant observations about my riding:

First, I need to soften my thighs.

I was so busy concentrating on my lower leg that I was stiffening my whole body trying to force it into position. Once Jenn said to relax my thigh everything changed: my knee softened; my hip opened; my calves wrapped around Phena's barrel and I was suddenly “with” my horse. It took so much less work to maintain my position and keep my leg on! 

Once my legs weren’t so tense,  I was able to be subtle and practice what Meika had been trying to get me to do last week when she told me to “fluff” the horse. After I realized she wasn’t being dirty, I understood she meant for me to use my calves and hands to gently elevate the horse's energy up and into her back to promote self-carriage - like fluffing a pillow or tossing a salad (again, I am not being dirty). 

Second,  Jenn noted that I have a long torso.

Not quite this long...

Because of this I am able to persuade my horse’s body and balance with minimal effort, for better or worse. My whole life trainers have told me to keep my shoulders back, but I never really understood the impact of my leverage. I had been forcing my shoulders back but was losing my lower leg position in the process. Now that my lower leg is more stable, I can control my upper body (without forcing it) and use my long lever arm to influence my horse in a positive way. I can sit tall and follow the rhythm or choose to not follow it as a way to slow my horse down instead of going to my hands. My issues with straightness are also resolving now that I realize my mare has just been following my wobbly upper body.

While tension in MY body is not desired, Jenn helped me understand what level of tension in my horse can be normal and healthy during the learning process. Working on downward transitions provided an opportunity to explore this concept. I had (out of exhaustion from being so tense) developed a bad habit of allowing my horse to collapse into the walk. Instead Jenn had me exhale rhythmically and ride my horse "up the stairs" into the walk, encouraging her to step under herself. Riding my horse up into my hands resulted in her slinging her head and bracing her back in opposition. Historically, when my horse became tense my reaction was to soften (because I was wrong) or increase the aids (because she was wrong). Jenn helped me understand that neither of us necessarily had to be "wrong." Instead, when learning something new I needed to be consistent with my aids (don't back off or increase) until she goes through all possible reactions (head slinging, rooting, bolting, halting) and arrives at the correct one (self-carriage), then IMMMEDIATELY release. If the transition takes three laps, then it takes three laps. 

By the end of the lesson I wasn't exhausted, transitions took only a couple of steps and I had a balanced, light, responsive and willing horse.

Thank you Jenn!

Pee Wee's Big Aspen Adventure

So after only two days of jumping EVER, the "Pup" and I decided to go to the Aspen Farm Derby for our first ever under saddle outing. Yes, we had trailered off the farm once before. But on that occasion I had not been able to get close enough to him to safely put the saddle on, let alone climb aboard. So I kept my goals for the day reasonable:
get there; get on; walk around; and maybe trot a Hopeful course if all seemed to be going well.

Unfortunately, I quickly went from HopeFUL to HopeLESS when we literally kickstarted our show season. After a rather dramatic loading episode at the farm,  Phaolan had two hours of trailer time to contemplate his revenge.  So when I opened the trailer door to unload him, he unloaded on me.

After finding myself lying on the ground behind the trailer,  I contemplated trading in my boots and breeches for more appropriate attire when handling my feral horse.

But in true eventer fashion, I got up, wiped myself off, shared a few expletives with those around me and got on my damn horse! Two of my goals accomplished already!!!!

While it may seem premature to be taking Phaolan to a show, Aspen is a wonderful place to take a green bean. There is a lot of activity for them to experience but there is also plenty of space so they don't feel too pressured. So after some initial antics

the wolf retreated and the puppy came out to play. We went for long walks on the property, we stood calmly and watched the big kid arena, and we CANTERED our first course! As soon as he saw the jumps, I had Phaolan's undivided attention. His tiny 2.5 inch ears locked in on the first fence and off we went. He popped over the 12" obstacles (I feel silly calling them jumps) perfectly and we even tackled the "water complex."

So even though I spent the next few days icing my knee and popping Ibuprofen, I was pleased with the day. By keeping my goals small I was able to not only obtain them, but surpass them. Now I just need to focus on ground manners.

"Phaolan" The Wolf Pup

OK. Back to the business of blogging.
Introducing "Phaolan" the Little Wolf...

Hopefully he jumps this well!

 or "Henry" as was his name when I bought him...
 or "Puppy" as Meika has taken to calling him.

True to his new name the Little Wolf is adorable and affectionate and playful. But like a wolf he is intelligent, brave, athletic, easily offended and quick to strike.

Phaolan is a coming 4 year old TB gelding by the same stallion as my mare Phena. I purchased him impulsively right before quitting my job and moving up to Polestar. He had been at Portland Meadows but had not raced. He was then purchased by a gallop girl after he developed a reputation for being a bit of a handful. I was lucky enough to get him next. After seeing him effortlessly free jump a 4 foot oxer from a lumbering lope I had to have him. Never mind that he looked like a pig-eyed post-legged yak and he tried to kick me when I touched him.

Fortunately body clipping revealed that he does have angulation to his hind legs and he is not microphthalmic.

One of the things I had hoped to learn at Polestar was how to bring along young OTTBs. Phaolan was broke and had the basics but steering malfunctions were common and adding leg elicited either nothing or cow kicking. As Meika says, "All the buttons on the dash aren't there yet". Since I have been here, I have been riding horses with dashes like a modern luxury car, tons of switches to flip to cue various movements. But at his level of training, Phaolan is a lot like my first car

a 1959 VW bug that I had to push to start. The steering wheel didn't always turn the tires and the dash only had two nobs: the choke and the windshield wiper. That car almost got me killed but I giggled every time I drove it.

On other horses I am learning to refine and quiet my commands. On Phaolan I am learning to distill them down to the very simplest ingredient and whisper it to him. And if he doesn't respond to the whisper, yell at him!

So far there are two things with regard to training young horses that Meika has said that have surprised me.
First, not to treat him like a baby.
Second, to hold him accountable for his mistake even if he didn't know he was making one.
At first these seemed unfair to me. He IS a baby. He doesn't know anything so how can I expect anything of him? How can I discipline him when he didn't know what the right answer was?

But it turns out in my attempt to be kind and fair, I was being a nag. When he didn't move off my leg I kept squeezing and squeezing and Squeezing and SQUEEZING!!!! And nothing would happen. I was so exhausted that when he finally did move, I almost fell off because my legs were so tired. I was teaching him to tune me out because there was no reason to listen. So, taking Meika's advice, the next time I wanted him to walk forward, I gently squeezed and when he did not move, I smacked him with a dressage whip. And we MOVED! Fortunately the puppy is well balanced, comfy and inherently lazy so the bucking subsided fairly quickly. And next time when I squeezed he did not wait for me to hit him, he walked forward. Imagine that!

Don't take it personally

I am always riding "yesterday's" horse. Yesterday my horse was hot and needed more aids. Today he is soft but I am still expecting him to squirt out from under me so I open up my hip and land off the fence pulling back. Meika tells me to give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to actually make the mistake before I punish him for it.

Well that makes sense. So why can't I realize today he is not the same horse as yesterday and ride accordingly? Why does someone always have to point out the obvious for me? Why do I have to be such an amateur?

I make the same mistakes of judgement on the ground that I do on their backs. I mistakenly assume my horse will react the same way each time and then I am surprised and frustrated when she doesn't. Since my mare pulled her suspensory, she has been on stall rest and hand walking. While I know stall rest and Thoroughbreds are not like peanut butter and jelly, I was unprepared for the dramatic change in my horses's behavior on arrival to Polestar.

She had been handling her rehab quite contently at home and since she is accustomed to going to new places all the time I thought she would handle this change without much fanfare. I was wrong. A few tubes of Gastrogard later, she is less of an anorectic tweaker but she is definitely not the same horse I put in the trailer in Portland.

I wanted this experience at Polestar to prove she was "the" shit. Instead she is acting like "a" shit. I wanted to unload her at the farm, pull off her blanket to reveal her shiny rippling muscles and have everyone "Oohhh" and "Ahhh." I wanted Meika to fall in love with her and tell me how incredible she will be. Instead stall rest has made her furry, flabby and freaky. I am struggling with being embarrassed, angry and confused with how she is acting. And I know she is not behaving this way on purpose. She is just reacting to her environment and her stomach pH. Why can't I react and then adapt as quickly?

I am accustomed to her being moody. I empathize with her varying work ethic and attitude that hinges on fluctuating estrogen and glucose levels. It is actually one of the reasons I like mares so much. While they can be difficult and opinionated and sensitive, they give more of themselves than geldings when they trust you.  I perceive this connection I have with my mare as friendship.

art by Sascalia

So when that flock of geese took flight our first day here, I thought my presence and our bond would temper the emotional storm inside her. But while my horse may be MY best friend, I need to learn that I am, in fact, not hers. At best I am another mid-tier member of the herd; not her leader, her ally or her guru. Instead I was merely the anchor she drug back to the barn as she sought solace with the new "best friends" she had just met.
And that hurt my feelings. How childish of me.

And I worry this is why I may never be a great rider. Because I take everything too personally and allow my emotions to affect my riding. I need to find that balance of caring passionately about something but maintaining a level of perspective and rationality. I know Meika loves her horses. You can see it clearly in the way she rides and handles them. But she is able to recognize what horse she is riding at each moment and react without taking offense. Or at least it appears that way.

Danny's First Impression

This picture pretty much sums up our first day... 

Of course once I decided to quit my job and embark on this working student adventure, my horse went lame.

Connie Tuor of Windfall Training Stables was nice enough to loan me her young up-and-coming Thoroughbred gelding "Danny" so that I would have a project up here at Polestar. I had only ridden Danny a handful of times prior to bringing him up here and on those few occasions we had had moments of brilliance interspersed with chaos.  Needless to say I needed to figure him out.

At home Danny was a busy boy putting everything in his mouth and rubbernecking every which way.

At Polestar, Danny's busy mind was blown.

Apparently traveling with a complete stranger and her irritable mare in a tacky faded blue 1988 straight load trailer in the pouring rain was unexpected, unappreciated and humiliating for Danny. Both horses seemed content until we hit the resonance frequency of a bumper pull trailer on the washboarded road between Tacoma and Seattle. Two ponies, two bales of hay, two Dobermans and all the memorabilia of my previous life bounced and shook so badly I pulled over thinking I had a flat. Nope, just a really crummy road. After 30 miles of this, Danny had decided he was opposed to this new adventure and was hell bent on holding it against me the next time I climbed on his back.
And boy did he! We spent the entire first lesson on two legs. I stayed on out of sheer lack of health insurance.

But by day three, Meika no longer looked incredulous when I insisted Danny had potential in addition to attitude. Today we got to jump in the outdoor arena (since the sky finally stopped pouring, sleeting, snowing and otherwise being a pain in my #$%). And yes... Danny CAN jump!! He is so much fun but I have to be two steps ahead of him the entire time and stick to my guns every step of the way. I also have to stop being afraid of pissing him off. Meika volunteered to get on and piss him off for me but I am going to try to handle this punk myself for a few more rides.

I know Danny is a good boy. He is that kid in a crowded classroom with the above average IQ who is bored and acts up to get attention, good or bad. I won't be that teacher who misunderstands and stifles genius. But that doesn't mean that Danny won't get sent to detention once and awhile.

Arrival at Polestar Farm

After 8 years of practicing medicine, I was tired...

So I decided to take a sabbatical from veterinary medicine to spend some time with my own horses and improve my riding skills. Despite being 15 years older than the typical working student, I was lucky enough to get a position with eventer Meika Decher of Polestar Farm in Lake Stevens, WA. 
Meika looked past my crowsfeet and saw the hardworking young girl who had dreamed of a life galloping horses across fields and jumping anything that got in her way. 

Nope, not me! This is Meika!!!

So after a few antacids, I gave up a great job, put my life in storage, said a temporary goodbye to the love of my life and drove north to Polestar. 

(Derek, BTW, has headed south to Sacramento for two months to the Pacific Coast Horseshoeing School. He was tired of listening to me whine when my horse lost a shoe and I missed a day to ride). 





I arrived in Lake Stevens to find 400 acres, two incredible barns, 30 horses and a handful of wonderful people.

Meika

fellow working student Karen King

So "why become a working student?" you ask....

While I have been riding for 23 years, I have never had the opportunity to ride a really well trained performance horse. I have never really known if when my horse does not execute the precise movement I wanted if it was me or him that failed. Did he hear me correctly but ignored me, so I need to ask louder and expect more cooperation? Did he hear me but not understand me so I need to ask clearer? Am I speaking in tongues to him and I need to start his training over completely. 

Riding "Taukalot aka Taco" today gave me my first glimpse of what riding should feel like when done well. If I was not precise with my expectations and communication, he gave me exactly what I requested - sloppy sidepass, lurching canter transition, pogo-stick trot... But when I got my act together I experienced what loft, spring, swinging through the back, lightness, collection, compression and extension felt like. And it felt wonderful. Here is what I am striving for. This is what it is supposed to feel like. Having the opportunity to ride an upper level horse like Taco with Meika riding beside me coaching is life changing. I hope after three months of these sessions, I will have lost much of the hesitation and uncertainty I have when riding my own horses. I want to be fair to them and as gentle as needed but I also what them to excel. I need to know what to expect and how to ask for it. Riding green horses my whole life has given me light hands and seat, a velcro butt when needed (see notes on first day on Danny at Polestar) and a humble attitude, but riding accomplished horses with an internationally respected trainer by my side will give me so much more. 

Danny and Saphena tucked in at Polestar