"Why?"you ask.
According to Facebook I have it all together. I have a great career, a wonderful man, a few beautiful horses and I live in Hawaii. Why the anxiety?
Well, if truth be known, I was at my
I have been feeling stressed out due to my recent financial suicide stemming from our move across an ocean for my new job and my partner leaving a steady paycheck to start his own business. Not to mention a new foal, a leaking house, struggling to find new friends and my parent's divorce after 42 years of marriage which has rocked my moral foundation. Needless to say, I have been a psycho-somatic wreck. My insides were trying to become outsides every time I went to the bathroom. My hair was falling out. My migraines were back. I was grinding my teeth in my sleep and biting everyone's head off when I was awake. I could keep it together at work because I had to, but my personal life was suffering. I was taking it out on those I love the most.
It was my recent bought of spinal meningitis that really got me over thinking things. I realized I was literally making myself sick. Worrying about everything. Planning for every possible scenario. Taking everything so personally. The insecurities that I found self-motivating as a twenty-something had grown into a cancer. Feeling inadequate was becoming an obsession.
I'm am of the GYPSY Generation and I wanted a Unicorn. I have no idea how to be content. I have no idea how to live in the moment. I was starting to realize my dreams might not become realities and I wanted a pill to help my brain accept the bad news.
I was wrong. My doctor listened to me for two hours and then refused to fill the prescription. Apparently I am not unstable enough. This should be taken as good news. It was not.
I went to the doctor anxious. Now I was anxious, mad and disappointed.
His medical opinion of me was bigoted and belittling. He stated that I, and I quote: "should have a child so my life would have purpose, find Jesus and drink Chamomile tea."
I kid you not.
I proceeded to tell him that if I wanted advice from a hippie cashier at the natural food store I would have gone to Whole Foods. And then I stormed out of his office.
I made it all the way to my car before I started laughing.
He was right. Well, kind of. I was being ridiculous. Of course I didn't need medication. I was working myself up into a full blown frenzy. I was doing it. So I could stop doing it.
So I sat in my car and thought about his advice.
1) Have a kid. Well at my age, this could go poorly. My ovaries are almost raisins and having a child with a missing chromosome probably wouldn't boost my morale too much. So with human offspring off the table, I figured I could count my new foal as a kid. He was giving my life purpose. He may not be a Unicorn but he is awfully cute and he needed me.
2) Find Jesus. I looked out the window just in time to see a rainbow burst from the clouds. I thought about all the magical places Hawaii has to offer. And I smiled. Jesus shouldn't be too hard to find here.
And 3) Drink Chamomile tea. I suppose I could replace the occasional latte with tea. God knows I don't really need the caffeine.
So, it turns out, I got the prescription I needed after all.
